


what you have and you

by amandaskankovich



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3426203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandaskankovich/pseuds/amandaskankovich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian gets out of the hospital.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what you have and you

Afterwards when it all gets quiet just for a little while he says,”Let’s walk, okay?”  
And because you are tired and because you can feel the hospital bracelet you haven’t cut off yet right there on your wrist you say,”Yeah. Okay.”  
You’ve had hours to cut the bracelet off.  
You just haven’t.

 

What else do you have?  
You have a brain filled with fog from pills you only swallowed because someone in a uniform stood there staring until you did.

You meant to stick a finger down your throat later but you had a roommate who would not stop staring and looked eager to snitch so what the fucking hell? You let the pills dissolve inside you. 

 

You don’t feel clearer.  
You don’t feel like you.  
But people keep saying the pills will make you feel like you but you already felt like you. You have never not felt like you. In fact you felt more like you then you ever have before. Your skin burned, your body hummed, your heart beat faster and faster with how much you felt like you. You could run a 5k in 5 seconds fueled by how much you were you.  
But they don’t want to hear that. So what do you have?  
You have a prescription that your sister ran into a drugstore and filled while your other sister sat in the car and made nonsense small talk and you both tried to make nice like a 13 year old wasn’t babysitting you for the 8 minutes it took Fiona to run in, grab the pills, run back out.  
Debbie showed off her tattoo and it was ugly but you could tell she wanted you to be proud of her.  
Not hard.  
You’ve never not been.  
*  
You have brothers and sisters who will not stop cornering you and hugging you and asking how you are.  
You are smothered by their worried eyes and desperate love.  
They won’t listen to you when you say it’s not necessary. This is all one long mistake. Everything just got…away from you.  
You are going to bolt. You are going to jump from the couch because you cannot take the waves and waves of concern being hurled at you.  
You are going to jump from the couch and run but then the doorbell rings and he’s standing there.  
'Bout time.  
"Let’s walk, okay?" He says.  
Okay.Okay.Okay.Okay.  
*  
You want to tell him: You’re not sorry for running.  
Someone starts burning your house down you’re just supposed to stand there?  
Even if that someone is him.  
Taking the baby though.  
Probably shouldn’t have done that.  
Your skin still burns where Svetlana slapped you never saying a word.  
Yeah.  
Probably should have left him behind.  
He’d had fun though.  
Hadn’t he? He’d never remember but…  
You look at Mickey and you want to touch him.  
That’s nothing new.  
You thought you’d be angry and maybe if this brain fog lifted you’d be able to concentrate enough to be. But you look at him and you just look tired. He looks tired. You want to push him against the chain link fence. You think if you put your mouth against his maybe you could steal the heat from his skin. You want to stick your hand down his pants.  
"You cold?" He asks.  
You’re sitting on the bleachers in an empty park.  
You shake your head no.  
He’s not going to ask how it was.  
He probably wants to though.  
"The food wasn’t bad," you offer.  
He looks at you and you realize he never actually asked.  
He’s sitting next to you. He reaches over and touches your hand but doesn’t do more than that.  
Suddenly so fucking shy.  
"I’m not taking those pills," you say.  
He removes his hand.  
"Oh fuck you."  
Well.  
Someone had to say it first.  
"I don’t need them!"  
"Oh yes you fucking do!"  
You want to tell him no. No, no, no, no, no. You don’t care. You don’t care what the doctors say. You don’t care what anyone says. You are not…you are YOU.  
No one, NO ONE is going to just step in and call you sick and then tell you here take these for the rest of your life.  
Because you have become a problem.  
Not even him.  
Not even him when he says something very much like, “I can’t do this if you don’t.”  
What?  
WHAT?  
"Oh fuck you!"  
You are going to get up and you are going to go the fuck away somewhere anywhere because you don’t have to deal with this. You don’t have to deal with any of this. He doesn’t want you anymore? Fine. Fuck it. Fine.  
Why is your face on fire?  
Why are your knees hitting the ground?  
Why is the weight of everything just hitting you right this minute? Fucking inconvenient. You were trying to make a goddamn exit.  
"Ian!"  
His arms wrapping around your back, he’s on the ground too, pulling you back into him.  
"It’s not fucking fair."  
It’s all you can get out. Like a 4 year old screaming.  
"I know."  
"Oh yeah, do you? Do I fucking scare you now?"  
"You do things that scare me."  
You don’t say anything just let your face fall forward but he keeps pulling you back never letting you hit the ground.  
"You’re going to get hurt Ian."  
"I’m…fine…" But you don’t know if you believe it anymore. You were so sure but everyone keeps saying…and it all feels like…it’s not fair.  
You were normal mostly for nearly 18 years.  
And now you have to take pills for the rest of your fucking life?  
"So what…you’ll leave me if I don’t."  
"No."  
That’s not what you’d been expecting.  
"I’m never going to leave you."  
You’re both quiet.  
"But…please take them."  
"I…I don’t want…"  
"I know," he says, "it’s not fucking fair."  
He says, “But I don’t want you to get hurt. So…if that fucking means anything…”  
You are very tired.  
You are sitting on the wet grass.  
You are leaning forward into your knees.  
Everyone says this will help you.  
Still feels like losing.  
Mickey leans over from where he’s sitting beside you and suddenly his fingers are pulling at your wrist.  
The bracelet snaps right off.


End file.
